Confessions of a babyloss shopaholic

Does it make me crazy that I was looking at cribs on craigslist.com today? Probably not. Does it make me crazy that I was looking at cribs on craigslist.com today and actually considering purchasing a crib and changing table? Probably. It was a nice set and a good deal. So commit me already. I can’t help but think that it would be “jinxing” to get a crib set at this point. And Keith would probably think that I’d completely lost my marbles. Maybe I have, haha.
My cousin came over last night and we were knitting and crocheting baby blankets. Mostly because they’re easier and quicker to complete. And I know a couple women about to have babies in the next couple months and the thought of going to Baby’s R Us to get them gifts literally makes me want to gag. So, I’m going to make them little blankets, which is fun for me and keeps me busy.
I’ve finally emerged from the fog I was in last week. I haven’t had much abdominal pain in the last couple of days, so that has helped morale. I was supposed to get my 4th week (aka rag) on 4/23 and I haven’t thus far. I’m not too worried about it being late. I’m sure it’ll just take time to get back on track. But I’m sure that’s why I’ve been having so much pain, especially last week. Really better in the last few days though which is a welcomed relief.
I went to the lake on Saturday with my Dad. It was gorgeous, in the 80’s. We had a great time and I even took the kayak out for a few minutes which was so nice. We had a blast, I can’t wait to go again.
I’m thinking about getting a treadmill to help with my feelings of inactivity. I’m scaling back on the yoga for a while, unsure if it contributed to my soreness. And I’m nervous about causing internal damage the parts that are still healing. I figure I’ll be able to use a treadmill at least until my next surgery, and then for a few months after the next surgery too. So, if I get a used one I won’t feel so bad about spending a fortune on a brand new one. I emailed a lady on craigslist on Saturday. Still waiting for her to respond.

The funk continues...

This ridiculous dreary mood I’ve been in has not lifted. Little light has been shed on why I feel this way. But I’ve still been trying to feel my way through it. I’m just so frustrated with my restrictions and limitations. I hate that I can’t go jogging or play tennis. I can’t even fully participate in yoga. It’s frustrating beyond words. I realized yesterday that exercising has always been a coping mechanism for me, and a stress reliever. When I’m working out I don’t think about anything else. Nothing. My mind is totally clear and focused on the task at hand. Now, even when I try to do yoga I wonder if I’m pushing myself too hard or if I’m injuring myself internally. But not doing anything keeps me painfully aware of reality 24/7. I feel like so much of who I am is confused right now and I can’t even do the one thing I’ve been good at my entire life. Exercising makes me feel good, not being able to is having such an affect on my mood. Just about the time I’ll hopefully be bouncing back I’ll have to have the next surgery. It gives me little to look forward to. I hate it and I hate myself for it. Rationally thinking I know this is counterproductive towards the route I am trying to take to self acceptance. I know that I can punish myself for eternity but the gaping hurt in my heart will still ache.
I recently found out the statistics on getting pregnant again after having an EP. After having an EP my odds are 15% of having another one. I read on Ectopic.org that 65% of women get pregnant again within 18 months, and 85% get pregnant again within 2 years. Doesn’t sound bad, right? Except the underlying disturbance for these statistics is that they do not show what percentage of those pregnancies resulted in live births. How many of those pregnancies resulted in another EP? Miscarriage? Stillbirth?
At first glance they don’t seem so bad, but I don’t think they tell the whole story, which is disappointing.
I’m nervous about the next surgery. What if it wasn’t endo that caused the EP? What if there is something else I should have known about?

When you're dreaming with a broken heart...

For some reason I feel like I’ve been in a funk for the last few days. I’m just feeling down and mopey. Call it self loathing, I really don’t care. We went to Lowe’s this weekend and got some flowers for a new garden I want to start. We got a couple peonies and a blueberry. We got some geraniums for a hanging planter. It all overwhelmed me pretty quickly. I don’t know why I’ve been so down and easily overwhelmed the last couple of days. I think a lot of it has to do with constant pain in my left side. It’s like a constant reminder. And I don’t know why the pain is there. Is it scar tissue? An infection? I have no idea. The surgery was 6 ½ weeks ago. Shouldn’t the pain be getting better? And it was the right tube that the surgery was on, why is the left side hurting? It’s a constant ache. I saw people out jogging and playing tennis this weekend and I hate that I can’t do any of that. Exercising used to be such a release for me. Even yoga is borderline too much for me. I told my doctor’s nurse that it was making my side sore and she told me I should back off from it for a while. I cut down to 1 class a week. It was so nice out this weekend I wanted to go outside for a walk so bad, but I didn’t know if it would make my side hurt worse.
I hate it. And I hate myself. I know I’m supposed to be on this path to self acceptance but I just hate this so much. Will I be able to wear high heels or exercise before my next surgery? The next surgery is just looming over my head. Knowing that by the time I’ve healed from this I’ll have to undergo surgery again. It does not help me to feel optimistic. Like I can make all the progress in the world from now until June 11, only to be brought back to ground zero. And it seems like an eternity away. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo until then.
Since my last appointment with my crazy doctor I’ve been trying to think of why I’m so angry with myself, why do I feel so guilty, why do I feel like such a failure? Thinking rationally I know that hating myself won’t help anything, and I know that it wasn’t my fault. So why do I feel this way?
I did try painting a few days ago. It went well. I am by no means an artist, but it was nice to give my brain a break from myself for a few hours. I’m thinking about going to visit my grandmother this weekend so she can give me some pointers.
Here’s a picture of my painting…

It supposed to be nice this weekend, in the 70’s. I’d really like to get up to the lake to take my kayak out. It would be good to get away for a couple of days.
I saw the first cardinal of the season on one of my feeders this weekend. It was nice.

Chicken Soup for the Babyloss Soul

It's been official for quite some time, but I have to take a moment and brag that I have the most wonderful husband in the world. He is my parter and support. He is my biggest fan, and I'm his:)
I got this email from him this afternoon...


I just heard this song…and couldn’t have said it better myself. I love you!

“Then” – Brad Paisley

I remember, trying not to stare the night that I first met you. You had me mesmerized.And three weeks later in the front porch light, taking forty five minutes to kiss goodnight.I hadn’t told you yet, but I thought I loved you then.
Now you’re my whole life, now you’re my whole world. And I just can’t believe, the way I feel about you girl.Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it’s ever been. We’ve come so far since that day.And I thought I loved you then.
I remember, taking you back to right where I first met you. You were so surprised.There people around but I didn’t care. I got down on one knee right there.And once again, I thought I loved you then.
Now you’re my whole life, now you’re my whole world. And I just can’t believe, the way I feel about you girl.Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it’s ever been. We’ve come so far since that day.And I thought I loved you then.
I can just see you, with a baby on the way. I can just see you, when your hair is turning grey.What I can’t see is how I’m ever going to love you more. But I’ve said that before.
Now you’re my whole life, now you’re my whole world. And I just can’t believe the way I feel about you girl.We’ll look back someday, at this moment that we’re in and I’ll look at you and say, “And I thought I loved you then.”And I thought I loved you then.

T-shirts, charms, pins, OH MY!

I finally got some good news today. My blood work is back to normal. It brings mixed emotions. It’s good because it means that my body has and is returning to normal. It makes me feel bad though because I feel more removed from what happened.

A coworker just emailed me 121 pictures of his 8 week old baby. It was great at first. I’m so happy for him. But by about picture 87 my heart started to hurt.

Speaking of babies and newborns, I finally got to see my girlfriend’s brand new baby. He was 1 week old this weekend. I got to see her and him for a few hours on Saturday and most of the day on Sunday. He is absolutely precious. I had the best time helping her take care of him, and being there for her emotionally. It made me feel useful, which was such a good feeling.

This past weekend I decided to make an order on Ectopic Pregnancy Trust website. I was looking at their online shop, they don’t have a great selection, but it’s better than nothing! And all the proceeds go to the Trust. I’m going to get a couple of t-shirts, a few cell phone charms and a bunch of pins to put on my jackets. When I first saw them I thought to myself, “Who would wear those, it’s like an EP advertisement.” Well, I’m going to wear one. I’m going to be a walking EP advertisement. This is a part of my life and who I am and I’m not going to be afraid to talk about it. I’m not judging or criticizing anyone that would choose not to, I can certainly understand how it may be too painful for some. EP threatens women’s lives everyday. EP is the #1 cause of maternal death in the first trimester, and accounts for 10% of all pregnancy related deaths! I realize that pregnancy loss and infant death are taboo. People don’t like to talk about it because it hurts them, and it can make other people uncomfortable. EP is real and it affects people whether people acknowledge it or not. It’s real, it happened to me and it will NOT be a taboo part of my life. I will not forget it and I want everyone around me to know that. Even if I don’t talk about it everyday I haven’t forgotten about it, and I don’t want other people to forget about it either. So, I’m wearing my t-shirts, charms, and pins proudly!

Resolutions

Great news I realized today, I haven’t had a severe panic attack in a week, I’ve never had them in my life, but after the surgery I started having them quite a lot, maybe due to hormones. Crazy dr. (aka my psychologist) says it’s my body’s way of saying it’s being overloaded.

Speaking of the crazy dr., our appointment yesterday went well. I told her about the difficulty with coming back to work, my spending, my need to occupy myself, my fear of trying to paint because I’m afraid I’ll be a failure and my painting will suck. I told her about my bird pole/feeder debacle where I tried to put it in the ground and I broke it, and I ended up crying because I felt like I’d failed. She thinks I need to do some reflecting on why I feel like a failure and why I am so critical of myself. I know that the EP wasn’t my fault, so I’m not sure where that’s coming from. She thinks I should take up painting. But she thinks I should tell myself that it’s okay if my painting doesn’t come out okay.
I told her about my fear of forgetting about it. She said it’s because it’s too soon and I’m not ready to “let go of it” yet, not that I ever will. But I want to get to a place where I’m at peace with it.

I went to yoga again today. This class is the hardest of the 3 classes I signed up for. I was feeling sore before I went in from wearing heels today. I should’ve left the class early because it was really too hard for me but I didn’t. Now I’m really sore. In the last 5 minutes of class though we were laying in chavasana and reflecting. I was thinking about my appointment with my psychologist and I was thinking about something someone on an EP support group board shared with me about what she had learned after her EP, 3 years ago…
“I found peace by learning to love the new person EP made me, tragedy can make us stronger and more caring, and once I let go of wishing to go back to what I was before, I found I was happy to move on as I am.” Donna
After reading her comment I had a light bulb moment. I’ve so been wishing in the last several weeks that I could “click my heels together” and have this whole thing never happen, to be who I was. Reading her comment brought tears to my eyes because it is so insightful. I have to let go of wishing I could be who I was before and accept myself as I am now.
Fast forward to chavasana and reflecting, when out of nowhere my New Year’s resolution hit me like a ton of bricks. My New Year’s resolution for this year was self acceptance. I wanted to learn to accept the things about myself, and in my life, that I cannot control. The connection between my resolution and Donna’s comment is clear. In the last 5 weeks I’ve been struggling with trying to figure out why this would happen to me. To make me more caring, understanding or empathetic? Maybe all of these things, but I truly feel that going through this tragic and devastating experience of ectopic pregnancy will help me on my path to self acceptance. It gives me a small amount of comfort knowing that I haven’t gone through this in vain. I know that I won’t miraculously accept myself overnight, but at least it’s a start.
So, I’m going to get myself a canvas and paint set this weekend. So what if my painting turns out a little on the abstract side, it won’t be the end of the world.

No, we’re not in Kansas anymore, but someday that might just be okay.

Kansas?

I've never actually been to Kansas. But it's the first phrase that I thought of when I came out of the fog, about a week after surgery, and started writing my thoughts.

Can't I click my heels together three times and be transported back to 5 weeks and 1 day ago? I read a series of questions on Glow in the Woods yesterday. One of them really got me thinking... Imagine being able to step back in time and whisper into the ear of your past self the day after your baby died. What would you say?

I don't really know how to answer that question yet, but it's got my mind turning for now.

In less heavy matters (or maybe more heavy!)... I went to my new yoga class last night. I should have known this wasn't going to be my typical power yoga session when I walked in and the room was filled with middle aged overweight women. Ding Ding Ding, Collect your mat and proceed to the treadmill!!! But I didn't, I stayed thinking maybe with the recent surgery this would be more my pace now.... We breathed for 25 minutes. I'm all about breathing and connecting breath with movement, but there was more breathing and very little movement. I'm going to need to get my heartrate above 75 BPM in order to feel like I've actually done something.

I thought about cancelling out of the class, but I think the change of pace might not be a bad thing for me. It might force me, for an hour a week, to just let go. Plus, when I have my next surgery, I'll need something at a much slower pace again. So, inhaling and exhaling I go, all the way down the yellow brick road.

We're seeing our psychologist again today. We've seen her once, 3 weeks after the surgery. We both liked her. I'm looking forward to the session today. A lot has gone on in the last 2 weeks, from going back to work, my best friend having her baby, and my FIL moving back to town. They should each have their own post!

I also want to talk to the psychologist about my spending, which has drastically increased since the surgery. Some people over eat, some people are alcoholics, I've been shopping. I know my bank account does not have an endless balance, so it can't last forever, right? Funny thing is that when I buy something it only makes me happy for a few minutes. But at this rate I'll take what I can get. A little is better than none. I am interested to see what the psychologist has to say about it though.

I did have a ring custom made. I just got it a few days ago. It's aquamarine (March's birthstone). I figured it would be more reliable than planting a tree (hello, what if the tree died? or we move?). As if a piece of jewelry could replace a baby. Anyways, it came out great, I love it, and it makes my heart happy.

I feel like I need a hobby. I was thinking about taking up painting. But then I think, what if I suck at it? And I can't take the risk of failure. The price is too high right now. We'll see. Maybe something else.

I'm also having my blood drawn again today. The pregnancy hormone should be back down to zero by now, which is what they've told me the last 2 times I've had it done. It's okay though, anything to avoid the methotrexate injection.

Sometimes it all feels like a dream. Like it couldn't have really happened. I think that feeling has to do with being at work and around people that don't know about it all. I find myself continually replaying it in my head so that I don't forget. Like if I don't focus on it all the time I'll forget about it all together. Needless to say, I've been having a hard time focusing on work. I didn't sleep well last night. I haven't been sleeping well for quite a while. I'm exhausted and unmotivated today. I talked to my mom on the way in to work this morning. She called to see how I was doing. Before we hung up she said she wanted me to know that she hasn't forgotten. I started to cry. I'm starting to cry now thinking about it.

We get our own day!

I found out today Congress has given a day to Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness, October 15th.

I'm headed to yoga. I just started back up again yesterday. So far so good. I may post more later...

Playing catch up

Never in a million years would I have imagined the chain of events that have happened in my life in the last couple months. I'm sure some of you can identify.

Here is my story...

DH and I started seriously TTC in October 2008 - We began doing BBT's to try to track ovulation.
January 23, 2009 - Saw my Dr. Her advice was to begin taking Clomid. Took the perscription home, but needed more time to think about it.
January 26, 2009 - I began having break through bleeding, which actually is pretty normal for me. I didn't think much of it. until it lasted for weeks. It would get bad every few days, and then slow back down again. This should have been my first warning sign that something was wrong.

February 7-14, 2009 - DH and I go on a much needed cruise to the caribbean. It was so nice to get away. Still having heavy spotting on and off through this time.

February 18, 2009 - At work I had severe pain in my right side. Just to the right of my belly button. I thought I ate something that didn't agree with me. But it was a pain I'd never had before. It lasted about 30 minutes and went away.A couple of days later I had the pain again. It lasted for about 30 minutes again, then went away. This continued every couple of days for about a week. The bleeding still continuing.The next week the pain was increasing in intensity and in frequency. By this time I was having pain every other day that would last for approx. 4 hours at a time. Nothing would make it go away. It was excruciating. But I had no pain scale to compare it to. I've never broken a bone, stitches, or even a cavity. The bleeding still continuing.

February 27, 2009 - By this time I was having pain all day everyday. At this point I KNOW something is wrong. But I think it's intenstinal because the pain is so high in my abdomen. I thought for sure I had picked up a bacteria or something from my vacation.

March 2, 2009 - My grandmother passed away. She lives 90 minutes from my home. I knew there was no way I could travel that far away from my home for the week without knowing what was going on. But I'm not sure if I should call my regular dr. for intestinal problems, or my gyn for the bleeding.

March 3, 2009 - I decide to call my gyn, because I know that the bleeding is not normal by this point. I never should have let it go on this long. My gyn tells me to come in the next day at 11am.

March 4, 2009 11am - I go to my gyn appointment by myself. I'm thinking maybe she'll put me on an estrogen supplement to get the break through bleeding under control? Maybe the pain in my side is my appendix? I'm clueless. She takes down all my symptoms and does a pelvic exam. The pelvic exam has me in complete agony from pain. With my feet still in the stirrups her nurse taps on the door. My urine test came back positive for pregnancy. I immediately become hysterical because I know something is wrong. She tells me we'll do an ultrasound and figure out what's going on. I call my husband and he comes right over.He didn't make it in time for the ultrasound. I went in a hysterical mess. This isn't how I was supposed to find out I was pregnant. This isn't how my first ultrasound was supposed to be. This isn't how my first pregnancy was supposed to happen.My biggest regret is that I didn't look at the ultrasound. I was too hysterical. Now I wished I had. The ultrasound showed that the baby was 6cm, that the tube was on the verge of rupturing, and that there was a blood cyst next to the baby. I was between 7 and 8 weeks.
12:00pm - My husband arrives after the ultrasound and we go into my dr.'s partner's office. She said that my Dr. is at the hospital and I had to meet her there to have emergency surgery. I'm still hysterical. She explains everything to us, but it's like I'm in a haze and I have no idea what's going on. She says that I shouldn't even be walking around. And I'm signing waivers for pregnancy termination, tube removal (if necessary), ovary removal (if necessary), blood transfusions, etc. It was all so surreal. I couldn't even process it.

1:00pm- We arrive at the hospital, get brought to a private room, and prepped for surgery. My parent's arrived shortly after. I am still hysterical, DH is terrified. They give me the maximum amount of morphine that I can take, it doesn't even touch the physical or emotional pain. They give me antianxiety meds for the surgery. By that time, I'm only coherent enough to know things are bad. And I wonder if I'll die. And I wonder if I die, if I'll know that I'm dead. And what would it be like.
A few hours later I wake up in the recovery room and find out the surgery went as well as it could have. She did not have to take my tube or my ovary. She chose not do a blood transfusion because of the risk associated with it. I was run down, severely anemic, and exhausted.

My doctor explained that I had ovulated normally out of the left tube. When it was fertilized it couldn't implant in my uterus because of the endometriosis. She said that it became too heavy to impant and was pulled up into the right side where it implanted in my right tube. I have no idea how she could tell all of this from the surgery.She said there was so much blood in my pelvis that she couldn't do anything about the endometriosis in that surgery. I will have to have another surgery before TTC again to remove the endometriosis. That surgery is scheduled for June 11, 2009. I have so many worries and anxiety about TTC again. But I know that is a bridge we won't be able to cross until we get to it.

Let's get it started

It's been 1 month and 3 days since my world turned upside down. I'm starting this blog with the intent that it will be theraputic for me.

In being what I've been through I've become so frustrated with trying to find people who share similar experiences. It's been so difficult. I hope someday someone who needs to find someone like I do will stumble across this blog.

But even if no one reads this, at least I'll get my thoughts out. It will be sort of a journal for me, hopefully a record of progress someday.

The first page in my 3 ring spiral notebook, my makeshift journal of sorts, was a list of things I'm grateful for. I made this list on March 11, 2009.