Friday, August 13, 2010

Queen of the crazies

What exactly is it about me that attracts the craziest mother fuckers in the state? The baking aisle trash talker was one thing, but sporting a buddah belly has brought it to a whole new level.

During my preggo pics photo session there were a couple of bizarre encounters, which clearly point out what a nice area of town I live in.

We were on the last few pictures when these 2 "gentleman" were walking by and threw out a "Hey, Cutie!" Really? With my husband standing right there? If your dating strategy is to hit on knocked up married women, I think you need to rethink your approach. I'm just sayin'.

Not even 30 seconds after that. This drunk old hobo walked up to up and said in his slurry, hard to decipher, speech: "I juuusssttt want to telllll youuuu, what you're doing here is juuuusssst beeeeaaauuuutiiiful." And then he dropped dead of alcohol poisening. Thanks for the compliment of my life though. He was sweet, even if he wreaked of cheap vodka (which I thought about licking out of the inside of his mouth. It's been 8 months peeps, I could use a cocktail. Don't judge me. I thought better of it though when I saw syringes falling out of his pockets. I'm guessing those aren't for PIO injections? Just sayin.)

And yesterday, I left work at 2:30 to put my feet up. (Dr. POC finally reduced me to 6 hours a day, because of swelling/pitting. Google that shit. I dare you. It will make you fear the reaper) At 7:30 at a ripe 9 months pregnant, I decide to take my sweet girl, Roxy, for a little walk around the block since the weather had cooled down.
I was on the corner of a busier street when I noticed a little 5 pound yapper come running like a bat out of hell from a couple of houses down. The owners apparently didn’t notice that it had gotten away.

Picture this: 9 months pregnant woman, 65 lb boxer, and 5 lb yappy (who is trying to kill Roxy) in the middle of said busy street. Cars coming from both directions, honking. Chaos ensues trying to wrangle my dog and keep yappy from getting run over.

I get everyone out of the street when the owner (2 houses down) finally notices that his dog took off. He calls him, dog runs home. I shout at him that it might be a good idea to put his dog on a leash. He does not come over to see if 9 months pregnant woman that just saved his dogs life is okay.

I walk across the street to catch my breath and continue on the way home when woman owner of the dog decides it would be a good idea to cross the street to tell me that I “don’t have to be so rude about it.”
To which I inform her that I just saved her dog, myself, and my dog from being run over. She tells me to just let him get run over next time, and “kindness goes a long way.”

Right, because I wouldn’t know anything about kindness because I just saved your dog from being road kill. How about, “I’m so sorry, thank you so much for saving my dog, are you okay?”

And then I punched her in the face. And threw her into oncoming traffic. Your welcome lady.

I wish those were all the crazy stories I had for you. But no, there're more.

At work this week we got new computers, so our IT department was in house to help with questions, etc.

Me: (Minding own business, walking to my office)

Creepy IT guy: Excuse me, ma'am?

Me: Mm hm?

Creep: Um, you wouldn't happen to be pregnant would you?

Me: Actually, I was just on my way to the pharmacy to get the morning after pill.

Creep: Well, I had this button made up and I'd like you to have it.

Peeps, the button says on it, FREE HUG.

Really? I think I just got sexually harrassed.

Anyways, I have been officially named the Queen of the Crazies. I take much pride in the honor that has been bestowed upon me. I hope to represent the Crazies with as much flair as possible.

In other news, the bug's room is coming together. Still no name though.

Remind me next time to tell you about the birthing video we watched. I need another therapy session before I'll be ready to talk about it.


Hope said...

And I thought I was a magnet for crazies! I think you're the Queen, for sure! :) btw, i love boxers (I grew up with one and my mom has one)! i can't believe you're 9 months pregnant wishes for an easy and quick delivery!

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

OMG sweetie you are nearly there!! I'm a bit worried there is name though :)
So sorry about the crazies. The woman owner of the dog and the IT guy were the worst though. WTF?
Thanks for stopping by and visiting me in your huge and swollen state..LOL
Seriously though, if bub arrives unexpectedly and you don't have time to update your blog, please email me:
love you heaps

Sarah said...

you do attract the crazy! :)

Miss Tori said...

I'm sure by now you have had your little bundle of joy! I can't wait to read the BS. Hoping all went well!