Coming out of the closet

11w3d
We officially came out of the closet at our works yesterday. I was dreading it because announcement emails are generally so ghey.

It went well though. I sent out this email to my office:

Subject: Letting the cat out of the bag

In case you've been wondering... Banana Republic does not carry a maternity line. I checked.

And chaos unsued. I ended up telling a week before I wanted to, but my gut is getting nearly impossible to hide. A lot of my coworkers confessed that they noticed the bump a week ago. On the plus side, at least they thought I was knocked up and not just getting fat, right?

In the process of telling the office, I found out about a second hand maternity store a couple towns over. I'm going to check it out this weekend because honestly, the selection around here is piss poor.

In other news: the appointment on Monday was great. (I did not have to have an annual exam after all, thankyouverymuch. And much to the contrary of my tendency to exaggerate, I did not smell like shiat all day. I don't think.) We heard the little ticker going strong at 174 bpm's. I looked at Keith and said, Holy shit! I think there's a baby in there!
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In other, other news: more sad news on the family front. My dad had to put his 9 year old german shepherd, Kane, down last week. Because they haven't been through enough in the last month, right? Kane had stopped eating, lost 15 pounds in a matter of a week and a half. The vet thought it might be Lyme Disease. After a week of antibiotics he was getting worse, and they found out it was cancer. So sad.

I never really expounded on the story of how my dad's stepson passed. Long story short, Elijah had been at a drug rehab center in Montreal, Canada for a couple of months. One morning the Center called my dad's wife and said they were closing their doors in 2 hours. They dropped all the patients off at the airport, with no food and no money. So my dad and his wife drove 15 hours to get him. Elijah overdosed on his first night home.
Anyways, the TV station CBC, in Canada, called The 5th Estate is doing a show on the entire situation. If you're in Canada, check it out. I'm not sure of the exact date yet, but I know it will be in March.

In more sad news (I am really bringing the sad today, right?), my brother in law and sister in law lost their baby at 12 weeks last week. She'd been having a lot of pain around 8 weeks, went in for a scan and everything looked okay. At her 12 week check they noticed the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. Her EDD was 9 days before mine. I can't imagine having to watch someone's pregnancy progress where yours should be. It's going to be a sensitive situation, for sure.

Anyways, what a smorgesbourg of a post! Note to self: work on train of thought.

You: Quit it! Me: I can't

It is the following events that I am not proud of. But I am a believer in full disclosure. You've shared with me the ups, the downs, and now the nasty.

Today was a day that started out like any other. I got to work early this morning, around 7:30am. I made sure to come in early this morning so that I could leave early for an OB appointment at 3:00pm.

I want to interject on my own story to add some critical info... there is no skirting the subject. When you are taking vitamins with whorish amounts of iron there is a tendency to be... well... backed up. This isn't something you don't know. When you have been backed up for days, weeks, months (so it seems) in a row when you feel the urge for a Number Two you must take action, no matter when or where.

Anyways, I'm going about my daily... business (pun intended), when... I feel the urge. I run my ass to the Ladies only to realize... that... I have... not... made it... in time. I sharted myself. At work. One of my finer moments. Obviously.

I don't know if you've ever done this, shart yourself. I get that people do it accidentally now and then. Friends talk about it when they've had too many margarita's and laugh. But I have NEVER done it before today, which is something I've worn as a badge of honor.

Now, still at work, I'm like that one kid in high school that had no friends because he smelled like shit. I could name names, but this isn't the place for that. You know who you are. Sadly, I am now on that list.

And now I have to go commando to Dr. POC's office to have my lady business inspected in an hour. Your welcome, Dr. POC. Because it's times like this you're so glad you went to med school.

Sexy Valentine

9w6d
It's funny, as IF'ers we're just dying for the double lines. I hallucinated the double line on more than one occasion. Actually, I think I have hallucinated the last 9 weeks. Anyhow, once we get that coveted BFP it's all smooth sailing from there, right? Wrong. It's like Mother Nature will take any opportunity possible to kick us in the crotch over and over. Ad nauseum.

I received a swift kick in the crotch from Mother Nature on Thursday (9w2d). When Mother Nature gently reminded me who the puppeteer was and that I'd better play by her rules. One word sentence: Spotting. Is unacceptable. Creates fear, panic, and general spazmosis.

It was a very small amount. And I did not freak out (I swearz!). I very rationally and in my right mind called my doctor: "AH HALP!!" She told me to leave work for the day and come in the next day for an ultrasound. This is a recipe for one long night filled with tears and inconsolable wife.

The next morning we went in and found out the little bug was carrying on fantastically. We even got to see her/him move! Like a little penguin dance. Obviously baby has husbands rythm... ahem. Heart rate is up to 180.

Super effing fantastic, right? Right-ish.

Dr. Piece of Cake: You have placenta previa.

Me: Is that a designer bag or something?

Dr. POC: No.

She's not super worried about it (for now). She said it is the culprit for the spotting, which may or may not continue depending if the placenta moves or not in the next couple of weeks. She said most move by 20 weeks, so she doesn't anticipate a problem, but she is going to keep an eye on it.

She said it's most likely from my super fun surgeries last year. Yay. She wanted me to have a Rhogam injection just in case. You see, I haz de negative blood type while my honey haz de positive= even more fun than you already thought we were having (said while smacking myself over the head with a blunt object).

Until and if the placenta moves it's no hokey pokey between the sheets for me and my Valentine. No funny business for 7 days from the last day of spotting. How very romantic.

Just in case you want to smack yourself in the face with a placenta by now... here is an updated pic. It's amazing how it went from a shrimp, to looking more human in just a matter of days. Two arms and one leg, I am hoping there is another leg in there somewhere;o) no worries, the second leg was spotted on the US.

Cocktail sauce anyone?

It appears as if I am growing seafood. I'll bring the shrimp cocktail to the next girls night out.

We're up, we're down, we're all over the board. Our initial due date was 9/14, then they moved it up to 9/20, now today it's back to 9/17. They've changed it so many times, I'm SO confused! She said, "Oh yes, our dates are plus or minus 5 days." Oh, okay. bah!

Today the bug is measuring at 8w6d, heart rate ticking away at 174 bpms:).

I'm getting closer and closer to being able to stop taking the vagi vitamins, aka Prometrium. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little nervous about this. What if my body/placenta isn't producing progesterone on it's own? What if aliens take over the earth? What if Baby Gap stops carrying the preshus lady bug girl clothes before I find out if the bug is a girl or a transvestite drag queen lady bug dressing boy? Because my body has functioned so perfectly up until this point, right?

I'd love to know if any of you have been through the vagi vitamin detox, or know any one that has. Am I worrying for nothing? Or should I be worrying?

My vagina the slot machine

I've always heard pregnant women complain about how tired and nauseous they are. Wah, wah, wah, right? Cry me an effing river.

And although I feel I may be hallucinating this entire gestational state, I can tell you that I have been asleep for, roughly, 3 1/2 of the last 4 weeks. My bewbies have reached pornographic proportions, which K isn't complaining about. If only I could stay awake beyond 7:30pm. The conscious portion of my existance has been spent in a state of perpetual seasickness. Don't even mention the word c.a.r.r.o.t. Got dry heaves?

That being said, I feel like a million bucks (when I am conscious, that is). Our appointment on Friday morning went great. We saw the little bug's heartbeat flickering away at 134 bpm. By far, the coolest thing I have seen in.my.life.period.

She pushed up my EDD to September 20th, which pushed me back to 7w1d today.

After we saw the heartbeat we decided to tell some of our extended family, which was fun. I think I am still going to wait quite a while before telling my work and casual friends.

I am still taking promtetrium, which also does wonders for our love life. Vagi vitamin = no horizontal tango. So it's either before the vagi vitamin (at 7:30pm) or not at all. It'll get better at some point, right? (who am I kidding?)

Between the vagi vitamin and the oral vitamins C.V.S ass raped me for $150. A small price to pay for maintaining this gestational hallucination, but I feel I may be better off inserting dollar bills into my vag. And If I hit the jackpot I may just deliver a real live baby in about 7 months.

Internets, how have you been doing? Let me know if you have any insight on how I may stave off the nausea. Or how I can manage to keep vertical while at work from 8-4:30?